Tiny Earth Declares War on Earth Read online

neighbors. That might be easier to sell to the people of Big Earth,” offered Secretary Maynard.

  “No compromise,” said the king.

  “If you can already shrink us then why don’t you just do it,” asked President Pierce.

  “Because they can only shrink a few things at a time when they’re on our planet,” interrupted Luigi. “They need our cooperation to do it on a grand scale.

  “I’m not giving up steak,” persisted Holcomb.

  The king clapped his hands and two very young attractive women entered, fully clothed.

  “Bring Madeline and a pair of communicators in, please.”

  The women exited.

  “Why is it that those women are clothed?” asked Tom.

  “Those are necessary uniforms so that their jobs can readily be identified,” answered the king as if it was obvious.

  The women returned with a cow and two pair of what looked like DJ headphones.

  “I’m going to give you, President Holcomb, the opportunity to tell Madeline why you’d like to eat her. Put this on.” He held out one of the head pieces to Holcomb, who put it on, and the other he placed on the cow.

  Holcomb looked really uncomfortable as he faced the cow.

  “Go ahead, Mr. Holcomb. These devices allow you to communicate with her. Explain to her why you feel it’s okay to eat her.”

  Holcomb took a deep breath. “It’s not meant to be cruel. I just love the way you taste. I think your fantastic with steak sauce or ketchup, or even plain old mustard if that’s all that’s available.”

  Madeline groaned.

  “I really wish you’d see it for what it actually is. A tremendous compliment. There’s nothing back on Earth that I’d rather eat than you.”

  Madeline moaned again and looked to King Donald.

  “That’s enough, President Holcomb?” the king said angrily. He yanked the head piece from Holcomb.

  “I thought that went okay. I thought she understood.”

  “Listen to me, inhabitants of Big Earth,” said King Johnson. “We’re not asking for your cooperation. We’re demanding it.”

  “And if we don’t meet your demands?” asked Secretary Maynard.

  “Then the inhabitants of Big Earth will be eradicated.” The king looked at each of them and let it sink in. “I’m going to give you some privacy so you can discuss what you’ll need to tell your people and then I’ll be back to get things started.” The king, Madeline, and the attractive women, left the committee to themselves.

  “The citizens of our Earth are never going to go for this. We like everything big from our beverages to our cars,” said the president.

  “And bloody,” added Holcomb. “I’m not about to start eating dandelions for dinner every night and neither is anyone else.”

  “We’re going to have to fight them,” said Secretary Maynard.

  “That’s a certain loss. They’re far too advanced for us to fight. They’d destroy us easily,” said Luigi.

  “We could take them out,” said Tom. “But it’d have to be here and now.”

  “We can’t just kick ass on all of them like you do in your movies, Mr. Cruise,” said an irritated Holcomb.

  “What do you have, Tom? I know that something’s going on in that adventurous brain of yours,” said President Pierce.

  “I learned a rare type of communication from John Travolta when I was dog sledding on retreat with him in Siberia. He taught me to make a call to a dog by channeling air through my nose. The sound is so irritating to dogs that they’ll bite you just to make it stop. A dog will even bite his master. But make no mistake about it. There’ll be no escape. We’ll be martyrs.”

  “How the hell is making one of these tiny dogs bite you going to save Earth?” asked the secretary.

  “No. I know what Tom is thinking. Dogs have one hundred times the hearing ability of humans, and Tiny Earth is hovering in a crowded park right now,” said Luigi.

  “A park crowded with dogs,” added the president. “Tom, you’re a genius. I knew there was a reason that we needed to have you with us.” The president looked to the other members of the peace committee. “The people of earth still live in a democracy. America will never put up with a dictator like King Johnson. This may be our only opportunity. What do you guys think? Should we do this? Like Tom said, it’ll cost us our lives.”

  The president looked at the nervous faces of the committee from one member to the next as they nodded in agreement, with the exception of Holcomb who dejectedly voted present.

  “We’ve got our vote. Let’s do this. Today we have the opportunity to be heroes, fellas,” said the president. “Even if no one else ever knows about it. Like Tom said, we can be martyrs.”

  “You know, I’ve had a moment to think about it and giving up meat might not be that hard,” argued Holcomb.

  “I’ll lead us in prayer before Tom begins,” said the president. “Please Lord, let the inhabitants of Tiny Earth get smashed into a billion pieces as they are chewed up by a random dog in the park back on our beloved planet, and afterwards, please let their dismembered corpses rot in the belly of that dog until they are shit from its bowels and eaten by maggots. We thank you, Lord. Amen.”

  The others all said Amen too except for Holcomb.

  “Let’s do it, Tom. Whenever you’re ready.” The president clapped him on the shoulder.

  Tom nodded and crouched down. He pinched his nostrils together and took a deep breath. He contracted all of his abdominal muscles until he was shaking. The committee looked on in wonder. Tom relaxed for a minute and did it again, his body convulsing, occasionally allowing audible hissing noises to escape from his nose. In the park back on Big Earth Nema broke away from her owner and ran to a spot in the park and stared at the air, turning her head from one side to the other, her ears perked, then back, her teeth bared, and suddenly-

  Madeline came running into the room and bit Tom. He screamed and grabbed his arm.

  “Get that damn cow out of here! And close the door this time!” Tom screamed at the others. “That really hurt.”

  Luigi led the cow from the room and secured the door while Tom took a deep breath and pinched his nose again. He started to tremble, high pitched squeaking noises sneaking out of his nose again. Back on Big Earth a woman shouted for her dog to come back, “NEMA, COME HERE! WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!” and suddenly, as the peace committee examined each other nervously, Tiny Earth went black.

  THE END